Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
