I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
