hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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