I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
