I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
