Hey man sorry I got all grabby
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
