I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
