addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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