peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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