I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize