Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
