Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
