So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
