Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
