He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
