I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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