you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
