matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
