i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
