Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
