Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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