hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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