The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
