i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize