If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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