I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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