sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize