I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize