His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
