this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
