I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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