I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
