mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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