Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
