How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
