Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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