dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
