Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
