Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
