I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
