Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Girls should come with a carfax report
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
