Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
