i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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