I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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