Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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