the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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