Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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