It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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