you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
