i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
