we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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