My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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