I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
