this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The Olympian is in my bed
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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