You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
