Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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