I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
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