It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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