I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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