Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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