One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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