Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
