the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
