Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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