Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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