my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
