the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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