The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
