The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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