what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
