I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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