We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
