There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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