I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize